Winners Don't Use Drugs
by axelDANGERfrankenstein
Summary: Kirito tries some drugs because he thinks they'll enhance his vr gaming experience, but he becomes addicted and his life starts to fall apart.
1. Lovely Sweet Dream

One day Kirito was on the internet and found out they were remaking LSD Dream Emulator for virtual reality. Everyone was excited and wanted to rape the game and Hitler pony. "Cool!" He blurted out while looking at the game commercial.

"Kirito, stop going on reddit during class. You'll fail and be a failure. A handsome failure." Said Sensei, who had the hots for Kirito just like every other lady and some guys. But he was her student, so it was forbidden. Plus he had a girlfriend.

The next day Kirito took the test and did so good that he got 200% even though he was always on reddit or making out with Asuna in class, because he's just that swag.

"There is nothing left for me to teach you, my child." Sensei handed him his diploma which he got early because he got an A++++. "And now that you're not my student, we can be together!" She took off her clothes and bent over her desk seductively. The rest of the class stared awkwardly, especially Asuna.

"I shall go play video games!" Kirito said and jumped out the window. He frontflipped, landed perfectly on a motorcycle, and drove to Gamestop while a Skrillex song played. Gamestop had the hots for him and gave him LSD for free. The black-clad pretty boy went home and used the potty so he wouldn't shit his pants while he was diving for hours. Then he put the game in the thing and put it on his face.

He was in a weird room. The graphics were insane over 9000 fps and way better than the ps1 version. He walked to a place with dead bodies and then teleported to some trees and then there was a trippy cutscene. "Man, this is nuts. I wonder how freaked out I'd be if I was actually on acid right now."

He logged out and went to his sister's room. Suguha was doing homework in her underwear. When Kirito came in she tried look sexier for her handsome brother, who was actually her adopted cousin because the writers thought that made it less weird, but he was so focused on lsd that he didn't notice.

"Sugu, I know you have drugs."

"How did you know?! Please don't tell mom!"

"Chill, I'm not snitching on you. I want to try some so I can experience this game the way it was meant to be played."

"Oh, ok." She got a box from where it was hidden under her bed. Inside was a groovy, colorful pipe, a jimi hendrix lighter, and a bag of green plants. It was...weed!

Kirito knew from tv that drugs were bad, but because he was a teenager and good at video games and school and sex, he thought the drugs would not have a bad effect on him or his sister.

"Do you have any acid?" He asked.

"Nah man, that stuff is unnatural. Weed's good for you. "

Kirito sighed. "It'll do for now."

The busty girl put the drugs in the pipe and lit it, then handed it to Kirito, who inhaled it and coughed. They passed it between each other and smoked it for a few minutes until they got high. Kirito had never been high before. It felt kind of funky. They watched some Black Jesus and ate an entire bag of cheetos. Then Sugu said, "Hey Onii Chan, weren't you going to play that game while you were wasted?"

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot." He smoked a little more and then went back to his room to have the ultimate LSD Dream Emulator experience. Suguha kept watching adult swim and ate some funyuns.

Now that Kirito was high, this game was seriously freaking him out. It was almost as immersive as when he couldn't log out of SAO and nearly died. He wandered around the bizarre landscape for several more hours until the drugs wore off. When he turned the game off he saw Suguha was in his room.

"What are you doing in here?"

She blushed. She had watched tv for a little while longer and then gone to watch Kirito and play with herself, but she told him she was just checking on him and hadn't been in there that long and hadn't touched her vagina. Then she quickly ran back to her room to finish. Kirito briefly wondered what was up with her and then got ready for bed.

'Smoking weed was a lot of fun,' he thought as he lay in bed, 'I should have tried this sooner. I bet playing ALO stoned would be interesting. I wonder if Asuna would do it with me.' He fell asleep and dreamt about doing drugs with his beloved Asuna and having hot sex with her.

* * *

Author's note: Just in time for 4/20! I almost said it was the most immersive game he ever played, then I remembered the actual plot of the show this was based on ^-^


	2. Butterfree used Stun Spore!

That weekend Asuna called Kirito and asked if he wanted to go on a date. He said they should hang out at his house, and kept randomly laughing while he was talking to her.

'I wonder what's so funny,' Asuna thought. She put on a cute outfit and went to his house. Nobody came when she knocked on the door, but Kirito had invited her so she let herself in and went to his bedroom. She knew his house pretty well because they always had hot penis+vagina secks in there, Asuna's mom didn't let them do it in her house and they were very horny.

Kirito had hooked up his old N64 and was yelling into a microphone while a pikachu on screen did nothing. The room smelled weird and there were empty snack wrappers and mountain dew cans covering the floor.

"What's all this?" she asked.

"I had the urge to play Hey You Pikachu again. Pikachu is an asshole."

"Ok." She sat down next to him to watch him talk to pikachu and then noticed his eyes. "You all right? Your eyes are really red."

"Yeah, PIKACHU WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

"Are you sure you're okay? I worry about your health with all the doritos and mountain dew and dewitos you consume."

"Yeah I'm just a little stoned right now." He replied and giggled like a stoned person, then returned to trying to get pikachu to give magnemite the goddamn carrot. Asuna was stunned.

"Oh my god, are you on drugs?!"

"Huh? Yeah, it's not a big deal."

"Yes it is! I can't believe you!"

"I'm not on hard drugs or anything, it's just a little weed, chill out."

"It's still dumb! When did you turn into such a dumbass! You managed to graduate high school early and now you're just doing marijuana and playing pikachu! How are you ever going to support me and Yui and Kirito jr and Xerxes if you're a loser drug addict?!"

"I was kind of hoping you'd get a job and I could mooch off you."

"You can't, I was gonna mooch off you!"

Kirito hugged her. "That's ok, we can all live in my sister's garage together."

"I'm not doing that." Asuna pulled away from the hug and started to leave.

"Where are you going?! Play Pikachu with me! I heard he gets pissed if you talk about Sony."

"I'm not gonna hang out with you while you do drugs, baka!"

"But I love you! And pikachu's so cute!" He giggled and picked the mic back up. "Hey! Sony!"

Asuna watched from the doorway. Nothing happened.

"Playstation?"

Pikachu stared blankly. Kirito got sad.

"The internet lied."

"Ok, I'm leaving."

"I will have my vengeance." Kirito walked past her to the internet modem and took his dick out while giggling like a kid in biology learning about dicks.

"Why is your dick out?"

"I'm pissing on it."

"Please don't."

"I was assured that Pikachu would respond to Sony. The internet has to pay."

Asuna sighed. Clearly reason would not work his drugged out mind, so she apologized on the internet's behalf and reminded Kirito of the joy it had brought him over the years. He teared up a little.

"Oh internet, I love you too! I'm sorry I nearly pissed on you!" He said and hugged the modem. He got really into the hug and then started kissing it. His peen, which was still out, got hard. Asuna left.


	3. Smoke Weed Everyday

Chapter 3: Smoke Weed Everyday

A/N: Wowee, I forgot about this fanfic for a year! I've grown and changed as a person since I wrote the first 2 and a half chapters! But I want to finish it!

* * *

For the next couple months, rather than looking for a job or applying for college or whatever, Kirito woke up every day and lit the fuck up. He spent all day playing either ALO, LSD or Pikachu, and smoked the entire time. Asuna didn't say anything about it to their friends but she was annoyed if she knew he was high when they were together. Since they were mostly meeting in-game, his friends never noticed red eyes or anything, but it became increasingly clear that something about was different. One morning he was grinding with Klein, Sinon, and Silica, when the other guy finally asked him.

"Dude, have you been 420 blazing it?"

"Yeah man."

"Cool, me too."

"So you are on drugs!" said Silica, "I knew you were acting weird! And so is Klein, apparently."

"I've been stoned the entire time!" the pink haired man replied and then Kirito high fived him for living the true Snoop life.

"I also smoke the weed sometimes." Sinon revealed.

"What, really?! Is everyone I know a junkie?! But I thought all drug addicts were either homeless dudes or snake people!"

Klein laughed smugly. "The PSAs are all exaggerated, reptilians aren't even real!"

"Yeah," Sinon added "it helps me get over my traumatic past with robber and my other traumatic experience of being almost murdered by Johnny Yong Bosch and that other guy."

"Oh, I guess that makes sense," Silica conceded. "Well, I guess it's fine then."

Kirito moved in closer. "Do you want to come over and try some?" he asked smoothly. Her virtual panties dropped to the ground. She had never been to his house, and now he wasn't just inviting her over, but they would probably share bong or something and thus indirectly kiss!

"Oh Kirito, I would love to smoke the weed with you!" she said breathlessly.

"Oh yeah, party at Kirito's place!" Klein cheered and gave him a good christian side hug.

And so they all agreed to meet at Kirito's house when they were done playing.

A few minutes later Asuna, Yui, and Lizbeth arrived.

"Hey guys what are you doing?" said Liz.

"We're trying to get gold and then we're going to go smoke the dank." Klein answered.

"No don't tell Asuna," Kirito warned, but it was too late. She and Yui already heard his entire sentence.

"Daddy, what are you guys talking about?" the little AI girl asked, innocently.

"Don't talk about degenerate things in front of Yui!" said Asuna, "Also, are all my friends potheads now?!"

"No, we were always potheads," said Klein.

Yui thought a little more, "Wait a minute...dank is slang for marijuana! Daddy, are you high?"

"It's ok Yui," he gave her a reassuring head pat, "the dank is healthy."

She bitch slapped him with her tiny fairy palm. "No it's not! You're just trying to run from your depression and ptsd from being in a game where if you die in the game you die in real life, aren't you?"

"No, I wanted to do acid but this was all my cousin had."

"You're heading down a dark road, daddy. Do you want to end up like all those rock stars and homeless guys that fucking die doing drugs?"

"They were doing much stronger things than weed, sweetie."

"You're a fool, Daddy."

"See Kirito, you're scaring daughteru too," said Asuna, "Please stop smoking so much weed."

Then Kirito got sick of arguing with his ladies and logged out so he could smoke more weds. An hour later Suguha came home from kendo practice and then Klein and the spurned woman club came over with tacos and rum for the party.

"I can't believe you just logged out like that," said Silica, "Asuna and Yui are really worried that you're becoming an drug addict."

"I'm not addicted, that's silly." He explained as he lit his seventh joint for the day, "By the way, do any of you guys know where I can get some acid? Sugu's friend just grows weed, he says it's healthy and everything else was created by the government to control people's minds. But who dies doing acid?"

"Oniichan, you need to listen to him, he's old and wise."

"Yeah, I got it."

Later that night, when Suguha was in the other room, Shino told him that she might know where to get acid.


End file.
